How the heck to motivate your kid

If you could do something great, but couldn’t tell anyone that you did it, would you still do it?

That question got my head reeling when I read a version of it in Simone Stolzoff’s book, The Good Enough Job.

In the context of the book, Simone was struggling with the decision to go to grad school, and decided to approach his mentor, author Robin Sloan for advice.

Spoiler alert — Simone went to grad school.  

But this exercise helped him realize that he was intrinsically motivated to do it.

The science of motivation

Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child has done a ton of research on how kids develop the complexities of human motivation.

To break it down simply:

Motivation can be either intrinsic (coming from within) or extrinsic (coming from an outside force).

Extrinsically, we’re motivated to run towards pleasure (approach motivation) and away from pain (avoidance motivation).

As parents, your biggest challenge is to nurture your kid’s intrinsic motivation and help them learn to listen to it, while also providing extrinsic encouragement.

For young kids, once their basic needs are met, they’re naturally drawn to exploring and playing. 

🏎️ This intrinsic motivation is like an internal engine that drives them towards mastering new skills, fueled by:

1. The joy of discovery

2. The pride of achievement

It's a powerful force, but a little external encouragement, like positive feedback, can turbo-boost this engine, reinforcing their natural enjoyment.

⏩ Fast-forward to adolescence, and the social scene takes the driver's seat. 

The brain is super sensitive to social rewards, making acceptance by peers a significant motivator. This sensitivity can lead to risky behavior, but it's also a golden period for learning and adapting to diverse social environments.

And of course, there’s a twist.

The brain's desire for a rewarding experience —the “wanting”— often outpaces the actual pleasure —the “liking”.

It's like craving a slice of cake more than actually enjoying eating it. 

This craving is rooted in past experiences and memories, pushing us towards actions that once brought joy, even if they don't deliver the same happiness anymore.

So parents have that to contend with as well. 😬 

How do you actually motivate your kid?

Now that we’ve reviewed the science, let’s talk about how you can incorporate that science into tactics for actually motivating your kid.

👉 Use “approach motivation” by praising effort over outcome.

Recognize and praise the effort your kid puts into their activities. This aligns with approach motivation, where the process of engaging in a task is enjoyable. 

By focusing on effort, you support the intrinsic motivation rooted in exploration and active involvement, leading to a deeper sense of satisfaction. ❤️

👉 Buffer “avoidance motivation” by creating a supportive environment.

An environment where kids are free to make mistakes can buffer the avoidance motivation system, helping kids differentiate between real threats and manageable challenges. 

In the presence of supportive adults, kids are more likely to approach new experiences with curiosity rather than fear, enhancing their overall motivational development.

👉 Enhance “intrinsic motivation” by fostering autonomy and choice.

Give your kid choices and control over their actions. 

This autonomy feeds into their intrinsic motivation by allowing them to follow their natural inclination towards exploration and mastery. 

It helps them develop a healthy approach motivation system where they engage in tasks for the inherent pleasure and satisfaction they bring.

👉 Balance “wanting” and “liking” by setting realistic goals.

Help your child set achievable goals. 

This strategy connects to the concept of 'wanting' versus 'liking,' by providing clear, attainable objectives that balance the intense desire for achievement with the satisfaction of accomplishment.

Achievable goals ensure that the pleasure derived from accomplishing a task matches the initial desire, fostering a balanced motivational system.